Monday, June 6, 2011

Keeping Up

Forget the Joneses. Keeping up with oneself is now the stressful point of modern life.

Do you know your credit score? Are you doing anything to improve it? Do you floss every day? If so, why aren't you flossing twice a day? You need thirty minutes of exercise every day. You need to get a bone density scan to monitor your bones, and you should also be monitoring your blood pressure, the oil changes in your car, and the mulching schedule for the azaleas. The new mulching schedules are out. Have you recently checked your home for radon and carbon monoxide? When was the last time you checked the batteries in your smoke alarm?

Update your wardrobe; that top is so last-year. Keep your roots dyed and your hair trimmed and your skin moisturized. And for God's sake, watch your diet! Make sure your vegetables are organic and your meat free-range and you really need more antioxidants in your diet. Also more L-carnatine, omega-three, and calcium. Do you know how much fat is in your diet? It shouldn't be more than 20% -- monitor that. You are what you eat!

You need to save for retirement. You need to call your Aunt Grace, what's wrong with you she was so good to you when you were a child. Remember all your friends' birthdays -- what, you didn't put them on a calendar? If you shop smart and monitor sales, you can get them nice gifts for much less than the regular price. Check the sales on-line.

Check Group-On specials on-line. Check the news, check Facebook, read the blogs important in your field, how come you never know what's happening? Are you keeping up with your tweets? You'll lose audience if you don't.

Write every day. Write more every day. Read a lot -- all good writers read a lot. Why haven't you read the Hugo nominees yet? This is important to an SF writer! Get that backlist up for the Kindle and the Nook. Monitor all your sales on both so you can jump in and drop or raise the price for the best revenue stream. Come on, this is your livelihood! Keep up!

You didn't exercise today. You didn't book that flight for next month. You didn't make an appointment for your physical. An annual physical is important -- catch problems early! Balance your checkbook, check on your investments to optimize performance, perform one act of kindness every day.

And what the hell IS your credit score? You're supposed to know! Come on, keep up!


Lou said...

Nancy, it's like your checklist mirrors my own. I started my own company two years ago. I have to write 2,000 words a day. I'm a father of three kids who need their dad to be cheerful and relaxed.

I flossed today. Not yesterday. Know what I thought when I spat out blood? That I should have flossed yesterday. Oh, and the day before. Did I write 2,000 words yesterday? I did not. Because I was volunteering.

I don't think we writers are unique in this constant barrage. The question is, however, whose voice is reciting this litany?

Is it your own? Or a parent's?

You're not losing it. Or if you are, you have some august company.

TheOFloinn said...

When I found out that Rust-Oleum is an anti-oxidant, I crossed that one off my list.

A.R.Yngve said...

In the near future, our lives will become even more complex -- to the point where we'll need portable "Personal Assistant" devices to help us remember stuff and get it done.

I'm already dependent on the calendar in my cell phone...

Rebecca LuElla Miller said...

I laughed and laughed at this, Nancy, because it's all so TRUE. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one having trouble keeping up with ... me.

Kendall said...

@Nancy: Seriously. Sometimes I want to just hide in the basement from all this stuff.

@Lou: Not sure if that's hyperbole or not, but if not...please see a dentist (flossing shouldn't cause bleeding). If that's just a joke--sorry, ignore me. Tough to tell sometimes. ;-)

José Iriarte said...

This made me laugh, but it also made me aware of your Twitter page. So, win-win! :)

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